“Each experience in your life was absolutely necessary in order to have gotten you to the next place…. up to this very moment.” ~Wayne Dyer Continuing on the theme of gratitude, for what we have and what we don’t have…..
In the last post, I wrote about being grateful for the things I wanted that didn’t work out. Here’s another quote related to that. I like this idea of seeing our life experiences as beads on a necklace, links on a chain. Seeing all that has happened as necessary steps to put me on the path to the life I have now. I wouldn’t have my today without the yesterday. Even the suffering. Not that those experiences weren’t difficult, but that they were creating the way for what lay ahead. How about you? Do you find this to be true in your own life?
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“Remember to be grateful for what you never received.” I read this today and couldn’t find the author but decided to post it anyway.
So much here to think about, all the things I have wanted that I didn’t get, and only afterwards to realize that thank goodness, I didn’t get it. Or the relationships that didn’t work out that I mourned, only in retrospect to feel grateful, so grateful, that they didn’t. Allowing space to be created for what I do have. And treasure. So be grateful today for what you do have. And take a moment to appreciate what you don’t. “Be where you are;
otherwise you will miss your life.” ~Buddha “When we are no longer able to change a situation,
we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Victor Frankl "When we recognize that we don’t have all the time in the world,
we see our priorities most clearly." ~ Laura Carstensen but I hope Lucy’s adorable-ness makes up for me not posting this in time for Christmas! Hope your holidays were restful and filled with all that you love!
Let’s hope for a good 2017! ♥ Hello All! I’m posting this video that is available on youtube that captures one of the main concepts of ACT in a humorous way. The video is just over 4 minutes long. Making room for all of us, even the parts of ourselves we’re not so keen on, and moving forward with what matters to us, that’s the key. What do you think? Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is the newest addition to how I think about my work. As with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), I am learning how powerful this approach is through my work with clients and also with myself.
In a similar way to Bowen’s family systems theory, ACT believes that there is much to be gained by establishing some degree of objectivity of self, that is, being able to stand beside yourself and observe, of seeing your thoughts, feelings and behaviors with some neutral stance. In ACT language, this is known as defusion, that is, recognizing that you are not your thoughts and feelings. ACT uses metaphors a lot and I like that. One metaphor to illustrate defusion is that you are the sky and your moods/thoughts/feelings are the clouds. Even on the cloudiest day, we know that there is sky behind the clouds. Translating that metaphor, no matter what your mood is in the moment, your self is constant. We get into trouble when we fuse our thoughts/feelings/moods with our sense of self. In ACT terms, “I am a bad person” would be “I am having the thought that I am a bad person”. Read those out loud, can you feel the difference? Now I know that the second sentence sounds clumsy and not natural. And that’s the point! The ACT way of describing the experience creates just a bit of space between you and the thought. That space creates enough objectivity that you have room to work on decreasing the power of those negative thoughts, to be reminded that you are not your thoughts. Another defining feature of ACT is the idea of psychological flexibility. ACT believes that suffering is created by inflexibility, of thoughts, actions, beliefs. Like in DBT, ACT theory is based on the idea that resisting the world as it is creates unnecessary suffering. ACT principles and techniques offer a different way of thinking, a different way to approach what life puts in front of us. If you want to read more about ACT, I would suggest “The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living” by Russ Harris and Steven Hayes. Or see this article that summarizes ACT from the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science website. Another influence on how I think about my work is John Gottman’s research on marriage and relationships. Dr. Gottman and his research teams have observed thousands of couples as they have everyday conversations, including conflicts. In several books written for the general public, Dr. Gottman has distilled these observations into a set of principles to help marriages thrive.
Because there’s so much in this research and theory, I’m providing links to read more details below. In this post, I want to highlight a few of the concepts that I have found especially useful. First, there’s the idea that it’s not arguing that’s the problem, it’s how you argue and just as importantly, how you repair after the argument that predicts relationship success. What Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, these are the ingredients that are toxic to a relationship. Too much of any of these, but especially contempt, predict divorce. Having an effective repair strategy, which is how a couple deescalates the tension during and after a conflict, is another important ingredient in a successful marriage. A second concept that I like is the importance of being receptive to your partner’s “bids” for your attention. Dr. Gottman describes this as turning toward each other instead of away. Think about the difference in how you feel when your partner turns towards you and is interested in what you are saying and how it feels when your partner continues to look at the television or computer screen when you’re trying to engage them. These failed bids over time chip away at your feelings of connection and good will. Creating a positive climate in the relationship, what Dr. Gottman calls “positive sentiment override”, helps buffer the relationship from the inevitable failed bids and disconnects inherent in any relationship. A third idea is openness to your partner’s influence. Dr. Gottman found that the happiest marriages were those where the spouses shared decision making and actively searched for common ground. Putting being connected over being right is a key to marital satisfaction. Of course, all couples have problems/conflicts/points of disagreement. Dr. Gottman suggests that disagreements are either solvable or unresolvable. What is a solvable issue for one couple is an unresolvable for another. For example, dividing household chores can be a non-issue for some couples, while for others, it’s an ongoing source of difference and tension in the relationship. Solvable issues are dispensed with through respectful negotiation (Dr. Gottman offers clear direction to each partner for increasing your chance of successful resolution) while unresolvable issues need to be accepted as ongoing struggles. All couples have unresolvables. These issues need extra attention by both partners, especially talking with a respectful tone, accepting that there is no one “right” answer, but that the partners have two contrasting points of view. Keeping the conversation open and ongoing is one key to managing the unresolvable issue. Avoiding the Four Horsemen described above is another. If you’re interested in learning more about Dr. Gottman’s research, click here. For a nice summary article about the principles for making marriage work, click here. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, DBT, is another theory that serves as a part of the foundation of how I approach my work.
First things first, what’s dialectical? How I think of dialectic is the ability to hold the tension of both sides of something, opposing thoughts, opposing feelings. For example, to hold the tension of seeing an event as being both positive and negative, of a relationship that feels both satisfying and dissatisfying, of being able to accept yourself at the same time you are asking yourself to change. Related to this idea in DBT is the working towards acceptance, of self, of the present moment, of reality, of life. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement, it does mean you start with what is. DBT training is divided into several modules, including mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness. Threaded throughout the skills is an emphasis on regulation, of feelings, of thoughts, of behaviors. It seems to me that so much of human suffering is based in dis-regulation. Dysregulation of thinking, feeling and behaving. At the risk of sounding like I’m exaggerating (I’m not), DBT changed my life, personally and professionally. For me, DBT was a missing link in my approach to my work and to my own life. DBT provided me with a rich framework for teaching clients tools and strategies to learn to better manage their thoughts, feelings, behaviors and relationships. Learning to take into account what DBT calls “reason mind” and “emotion mind” to come to “wise mind”, meaning making the choices and decisions that are not right for everyone but are right for me is such a simplifying framework for how to approach life. Once you identify your core values, your primary goals, what you like and don’t like, what works for you and what doesn’t, figuring out the next steps come more smoothly. If you want to read more about DBT, Google it. The first articles listed are going to give you a nice overview. One thing before you read, remember that while it was originally developed to treat borderline personality disorder, DBT principles are applicable to a wide range of behaviors. I teach them to my clients and I personally use these skills every single day! |
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